i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
