Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
