I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
we have pet lesbian snakes
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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