I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
