i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
