I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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