I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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