Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
