I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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