I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
