I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
