i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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