Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
