im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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