My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
The convent might be a nice break from real life
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
