I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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