I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
