I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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