I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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