i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
