i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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