Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
