Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The best revenge is premature balding
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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