Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
