it was like his penis was on wheels.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
