Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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