i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
