When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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