you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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