Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
