I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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