ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
