can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
