i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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