I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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