he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
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