I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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