Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
