Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
