My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
