I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
