my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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