I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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