if i can run in heels then i can drive
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
