Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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