So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
