they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize