Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
