I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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