i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
