Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
