Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Randomize
