I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
