I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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