So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I look better un-naked...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize