you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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