I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
